People pleasing is an affliction many of us, who love an alcoholic, suffer from. After all, we want to do right by others. We want to do good and show others we care.
However, underneath the surface of people pleasing are a lot of negative emotions and motives, which destroy your integrity and your self-worth.
Infants and toddlers will try to please their parents for positive reinforcement. They notice that when they do something mom and dad like, they get rewarded and when they don’t, they get punished. In an alcoholic relationship much of this behavior perpetuates, especially if there is emotional and/ or physical abuse. As a person in a relationship with an alcoholic, you learn how to transmute yourself to the mood of the moment. You learn how to be the “yes” man or the “yes” women to avoid conflict. You learn to stuff your feelings for the benefit of others or for “keeping the peace”.
There are many drawbacks to this behavior.
- People pleasing keeps you in the mode of enabling.
You will do anything and everything you can to appease the alcoholic, even if it’s to lend him money, make him a drink or give him a place to stay. His victim mindset and victimizing words will make you give in to his demands and requests.
Healthy people understand that adults must make their own choices. Taking care of oneself, even for the alcoholic, is a normal responsibility of being an adult.
2. People pleasing is a form of manipulation.
It’s subtle. But along with people pleasing comes lies and deception. Most often, you need to lie to keep others “happy”. After all, you’re afraid of hurting other people’s feelings. But underneath the surface, you’re really afraid of them not liking you, in other words, rejection. Lying to make sure others like you and are happy is manipulation because you are denying them the truth.
Healthy people know that not everyone can be happy all of the time. Disappointments and natural consequences to actions are a normal part of life.
3. People pleasing denies you of your own feelings, wants, and desires.
Denying what you want and need is not selfless. It’s destructive. We all have needs. We all have feelings and desires. Self-sacrifice does not make us saints. In the end, it creates resentment, anger, frustration, and unpleasant people. You may be smiling through clenched teach while people pleasing but everyone (especially the alcoholic) will be able to sense your seething anger underneath.
Healthy people take care of themselves first. They know how to set healthy boundaries. They are not afraid to say “no”.
4. People pleasing puts you in a victim mindset.
You know this to be true. When you’ve had enough of giving, you are depleted. Then your conversations become all about you and how you’ve done nothing but give. You may say things like, “After all I’ve done for her, look how she treats me.” Or, “All I do is give, give, give and do you think I would ever receive a “thank you”?”
Healthy people know that true giving comes from a place of authenticity to give freely. They also know when enough is enough.
Things to ponder…
How has people pleasing given you a sense of satisfaction?
How has people pleasing made you feel depleted and empty?
Does people pleasing make you feel more angry and upset than happy and peaceful?
Do you try to “change” others through your people pleasing?
Wishing you a beautiful and blissful day!
Many blessings!
Love,
Michelle
Michelle Fondin, Author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends (available on Amazon & Audible, December 2, 2016) & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015)
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