Recovery is the process of going deep inside yourself to discover all the dark places that lie within. In my own recovery, I’ve uncovered why exactly I found myself in a relationship with an alcoholic and why I was an enabler.
The photos you see here do not represent my own home (and not my own consciousness, good Lord, no. It’s not THAT cluttered,) but my mother’s home as it stands, currently. I haven’t been there in several years. But I was thrust into a position where I saw her home, yesterday. (Yes, yesterday.) My mom broke her hip in Virginia (my place of residence) three weeks ago. And I drove her home in her car to Michigan.
In the beginning of recovery, I had inklings as to the “why” but until I saw it for face value and saw the behavior that my mom so outwardly portrayed over these past few weeks, that I was really able to embrace the formation of my personality in early childhood.
Sixty percent of all alcoholics grew up in alcoholic homes. And many “normies” or non-alcoholics grew up in alcoholic homes and wind up marrying an alcoholic. I fall into neither of those categories.
However, addiction is addiction. And mental illness is mental illness and they all fall into a similar category and form similar dysfunctional relationships.
“But if you would just throw stuff away, your life would be so much better!”
I have uttered that phrase thousands of times to my mother over the course of my life. I’ve tried arguing, pleading, laid on guilt trips and my sister and I even staged an intervention several years ago. Nothing has been able to change my mother’s hoarding. (Now delete the word "hoarding" and insert the word "drinking". Do you get the picture?)
It has been going on for as long as I can remember. Growing up, the clutter was confined to one or two rooms. The living room was always inhabitable. My mom always attributed it to something: being a single mom, not having enough time, being in the “middle” of a project, saving for an apocalypse, or “saving memories”. (Excuses and denial)
Just like growing up in an alcoholic household, I went through every experience and feeling that a child of an alcoholic goes through.
- I was embarrassed to have people over.
- I lived through and still live through my mother’s denial.
- I had to endure her lies and deception.
- I had to hear empty promises.
- I covered up her behavior or ran away from it.
- I harbored resentment and anger because we weren’t “normal”.
- My mom was constantly the victim and I had to bury my own feelings to save hers.
- The enabling behavior to “help” the victim.
Awareness is the first step in recovery. It’s discovering how I got here and why I act the way I do. Then, it’s being able to take steps to change my behavior.
Why did you become an enabler? How did you get here? Ponder these questions today and even if you don’t come up with an answer. Keep those questions open in your mind over the next few weeks. Your Higher Power will show you the way and enlighten you to some pretty cool stuff.
Love, light and blessings,
Michelle
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