Saturday, December 24, 2016

Alcoholism Is a Baffling Disease, Especially During the Holidays

     This holiday season I will forcibly be without my alcoholic loved one for the first time in four years. Even though it is my choice, it still comes with a mixed bag of emotions. Many of you who will read my story in my book, Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family & Friends, will plainly see how much I love Johnny.* The pain comes less from not being with him physically and celebrating the holidays with him, it comes more from knowing that he is not yet sober. 

Recently, Johnny went through early recovery where he attended a detox program, was attending AA, and had a sponsor. I could tell that he wasn’t fully in recovery even though he had said he was ready. I didn’t feel recovery was yet in his heart. 

In the month of November, Johnny had made solid plans to attend a 30-day inpatient rehab program and had even paid a deposit. During that time I saw something light up in him that I had never seen before, real hope. Over the course of those few days, his eyes showed hope for the future, for change and for real transformation. I saw him excited at the prospect of having his head clear enough to read and when he came out, the chance of having a new career. It made my heart leap for joy with the thought, “This is it. This is finally the moment I have been waiting for.” 

But two things happened. From the time he reserved the rehab center to the time they had a bed available, the delay was 10 days. He even said he was under the impression that he would be able to go within a day or two. The next thing that happened, of course, was that his disease had the time to take over once again. Johnny put it under the guise of money and finances, but I know enough to know much better. About two days before he was to start rehab, he called and cancelled. 

At that time I had to make the decision as to what I was going to do regarding our relationship. Of course I was disappointed, sad, angry, frustrated and enraged all at the same time. But then I had to remember, “He has a disease. The disease just took over once again and that’s all.” It’s baffling and confusing how it can just flip a switch in an addict and make him succumb to the disease once again. 

But because of the repeated broken promises and the fact that I’m in recovery in Al-Anon and have been learning to change my behavior and patterns in behavior, I had to make the choice to stay away from him until he’s ready for rehab. I had gotten off the roller coaster and was not ready to get back on, nor will I ever get back on that ride again. For me right now that means not seeing him, no phone calls, and limited texts if any. It makes me sad for him and for our relationship but I need to remain hopeful for him and for us. 


I am certain Johnny will get the help that he needs when God guides him to do so. It’s not on my timing, it’s on God’s timing. For so many years I tried to force Johnny’s recovery into the mold I wanted for it, but it never worked. So all I can do in the midst of his baffling, conniving, and confusing disease is pray for him and send him blessings throughout the holiday season. 

Happy Holidays to all of you and especially to my readers who love an alcoholic. I'm with you in spirit. :) 

Love,
Michelle 



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