Your Alcoholic Loved One & The Holidays Part Two: The Alcoholic Spouse

When you have an alcoholic spouse, the holidays can be difficult to navigate. You don’t know if he’ll be sober when you leave for your parents’ house. Or you’re not sure if she’ll make a scene as she gets more drunk. One thing is for certain, you know there will be drinking.

Maybe all of the things you’ve tried before haven’t worked or have gotten same results. One thing we can learn as co-dependents or enablers is to take care of ourselves first so that we don’t have a tendency to enable or manipulate the situation. 

In order to take care of yourself, you’ll need to make some decisions in advance. Wherever you’re going with your alcoholic spouse, you’ll need to make decisions on the following:

1. Will you stay at home or leave for your destination if he’s too drunk when it’s time to leave? 
2. Do you feel comfortable putting her in an Uber or cab to go home if she’s drunk and you want to stay and visit with family and friends?
3. Do you feel O.K. making plans for you and the kids out of town to a family member’s house and leaving your alcoholic spouse at home for the holidays? 

While you might feel bad making these decisions, you are under no obligation to ruin your fun and your holidays because your alcoholic spouse is still succumbing to his or her illness. In the past, you may have been held prisoner to the alcoholism, but you have choices and you don’t have to be anymore. 

You aren’t making these choices to be mean or nasty but to regain your own insanity. Remember these three things; you did not cause your spouse’s alcoholism, you cannot control your spouse’s alcoholism and you cannot cure it. 

But you can take care of yourself and your minor children. 

Here are some other suggestions to survive the holidays with an alcoholic spouse:

1. Do not throw away his drinks. He’s an adult, he needs to make his own decisions. 
2. Don’t beg him to come when it’s time to open presents, if he wants to, he’ll come.
3. Plan something fun for you and the kids outside of the home. Go Christmas caroling, feed the poor at a soup kitchen, go ice skating, or drive through the neighborhood and find houses with cool Christmas lights. 
4. If she starts to get hammered, walk into another room and talk to other people.
5. When it’s time to go, tell her you’re leaving and let her get to the car herself. If she stumbles and falls, those are her consequences. In order to ever get better, she needs to feel and process every single consequence of her drinking. Rescuing her will only prolong the disease process. 
6. If he wants to stay, let him stay. He’ll need to figure out how to get home. (Make sure he does not have a car there or a set of car keys.) 
7. Al-Anon holds meetings every day of the year. If you need to vent and have companionship of others in your situation, you can attend an Al-Anon meeting. Go to www.alanon.org to look up a meeting your area. 

Wishing you peace and serenity throughout the holidays and always. 

Love,

Michelle

Michelle Fondin, Author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends  (available on Amazon & Audible, December 2, 2016)  & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

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