Your Alcoholic Loved One Didn’t Happen To You, He or She Happened for You

Before I met my alcoholic loved one, I had asked God to just bring me the man that He wanted in my life. I had been dating for several months and was tired of the dating scene. I just wanted someone I could connect with and love immensely and someone who could love me back the same way. 

When I met my alcoholic loved one, I had no idea he was an alcoholic. We had an instant connection. It was magical and akin to love at first sight. The first few weeks were pure bliss. We were inseparable. Everything seemed to be going along beautifully. But then, I started to notice behavior that didn’t seem normal. He would call me late at night with conversations that didn’t make sense. I would notice he would drink even during the work week. To my dismay, after several months I realized he was an alcoholic. 

At some point, I was so angry at God. After all, I had asked Him to bring the man He wanted in my life. I wasn’t being selfish or trying to assert my desires at the time. I couldn’t understand why God had brought me this lovely man but who was an actively drinking alcoholic. 

I don’t give up easily and I don’t give up faith. I knew that if God put him here, there must be a reason and I was on a mission to find out. At first I thought that mission was to help my alcoholic loved one. I really did. But after a failed family intervention and several (hundred) attempts at trying to get him to want to get help, I realized it might be something else. 

What God was trying to do was to mold and form me into the person He wanted me to be. He increased my faith in Him and increased my patience. He increased my capacity to love and to pray. He made me more cognizant of compassion and understanding. He helped me learn that I need to rely on Him first and not on any other human over Him. 

I have to constantly remind myself that God makes no mistakes. If your alcoholic loved one is in your life or was in the past, there is a reason. Look for that reason, dig deep. Your learning and growing is an integral part of this experience. 

In truth, nobody asks for an experience of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. But while your there it might be worth asking, “What got me here?” “What can I learn from this?” 

I like to look at life is a great big test composed of mini-tests or mini-quizzes. If you pass the test, you get to move on to the next level. Our experiences do not have to define us, but we can be refined by our experiences. 

Which one do you choose? How will you let your experience with your alcoholic loved one shape you? 

Wishing you many blessings!

Love,

Michelle 

Michelle Fondin is the author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends   & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

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Alcoholism Is a Baffling Disease, Especially During the Holidays

     This holiday season I will forcibly be without my alcoholic loved one for the first time in four years. Even though it is my choice, it still comes with a mixed bag of emotions. Many of you who will read my story in my book, Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family & Friends, will plainly see how much I love Johnny.* The pain comes less from not being with him physically and celebrating the holidays with him, it comes more from knowing that he is not yet sober. 

Recently, Johnny went through early recovery where he attended a detox program, was attending AA, and had a sponsor. I could tell that he wasn’t fully in recovery even though he had said he was ready. I didn’t feel recovery was yet in his heart. 

In the month of November, Johnny had made solid plans to attend a 30-day inpatient rehab program and had even paid a deposit. During that time I saw something light up in him that I had never seen before, real hope. Over the course of those few days, his eyes showed hope for the future, for change and for real transformation. I saw him excited at the prospect of having his head clear enough to read and when he came out, the chance of having a new career. It made my heart leap for joy with the thought, “This is it. This is finally the moment I have been waiting for.” 

But two things happened. From the time he reserved the rehab center to the time they had a bed available, the delay was 10 days. He even said he was under the impression that he would be able to go within a day or two. The next thing that happened, of course, was that his disease had the time to take over once again. Johnny put it under the guise of money and finances, but I know enough to know much better. About two days before he was to start rehab, he called and cancelled. 

At that time I had to make the decision as to what I was going to do regarding our relationship. Of course I was disappointed, sad, angry, frustrated and enraged all at the same time. But then I had to remember, “He has a disease. The disease just took over once again and that’s all.” It’s baffling and confusing how it can just flip a switch in an addict and make him succumb to the disease once again. 

But because of the repeated broken promises and the fact that I’m in recovery in Al-Anon and have been learning to change my behavior and patterns in behavior, I had to make the choice to stay away from him until he’s ready for rehab. I had gotten off the roller coaster and was not ready to get back on, nor will I ever get back on that ride again. For me right now that means not seeing him, no phone calls, and limited texts if any. It makes me sad for him and for our relationship but I need to remain hopeful for him and for us. 

I am certain Johnny will get the help that he needs when God guides him to do so. It’s not on my timing, it’s on God’s timing. For so many years I tried to force Johnny’s recovery into the mold I wanted for it, but it never worked. So all I can do in the midst of his baffling, conniving, and confusing disease is pray for him and send him blessings throughout the holiday season. 

Happy Holidays to all of you and especially to my readers who love an alcoholic. I'm with you in spirit. :) 

Love,

Michelle 

Michelle Fondin is the author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends   & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

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Join My Video Discussion Forum on Having an Alcoholic Loved One

I've started a video series which will become a place for discussion for you about your life with an alcoholic loved one. Please ask questions, leave comments and subscribe to my channel. Together we will discover how to manage a relationship with an alcoholic loved one. 

Video One in the Series 

Video Two in the Series

Michelle S. Fondin is the author of  Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends  (available on Amazon & Audible, December 2, 2016)  & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

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Why People Pleasing Is Bad for Your Health

People pleasing is an affliction many of us, who love an alcoholic, suffer from. After all, we want to do right by others. We want to do good and show others we care. 

However, underneath the surface of people pleasing are a lot of negative emotions and motives, which destroy your integrity and your self-worth. 

Infants and toddlers will try to please their parents for positive reinforcement. They notice that when they do something mom and dad like, they get rewarded and when they don’t, they get punished. In an alcoholic relationship much of this behavior perpetuates, especially if there is emotional and/ or physical abuse. As a person in a relationship with an alcoholic, you learn how to transmute yourself to the mood of the moment. You learn how to be the “yes” man or the “yes” women to avoid conflict. You learn to stuff your feelings for the benefit of others or for “keeping the peace”. 

There are many drawbacks to this behavior. 

1. People pleasing keeps you in the mode of enabling. 

You will do anything and everything you can to appease the alcoholic, even if it’s to lend him money, make him a drink or give him a place to stay. His victim mindset and victimizing words will make you give in to his demands and requests. 

Healthy people understand that adults must make their own choices. Taking care of oneself, even for the alcoholic, is a normal responsibility of being an adult. 

2. People pleasing is a form of manipulation.  

It’s subtle. But along with people pleasing comes lies and deception. Most often, you need to lie to keep others “happy”. After all, you’re afraid of hurting other people’s feelings. But underneath the surface, you’re really afraid of them not liking you, in other words, rejection. Lying to make sure others like you and are happy is manipulation because you are denying them the truth. 

Healthy people know that not everyone can be happy all of the time. Disappointments and natural consequences to actions are a normal part of life. 

3. People pleasing denies you of your own feelings, wants, and desires. 

Denying what you want and need is not selfless. It’s destructive. We all have needs. We all have feelings and desires. Self-sacrifice does not make us saints. In the end, it creates resentment, anger, frustration, and unpleasant people. You may be smiling through clenched teach while people pleasing but everyone (especially the alcoholic) will be able to sense your seething anger underneath. 

Healthy people take care of themselves first. They know how to set healthy boundaries. They are not afraid to say “no”. 

4. People pleasing puts you in a victim mindset.

You know this to be true. When you’ve had enough of giving, you are depleted. Then your conversations become all about you and how you’ve done nothing but give. You may say things like, “After all I’ve done for her, look how she treats me.” Or, “All I do is give, give, give and do you think I would ever receive a “thank you”?” 

Healthy people know that true giving comes from a place of authenticity to give freely. They also know when enough is enough. 

Things to ponder…

How has people pleasing given you a sense of satisfaction?

How has people pleasing made you feel depleted and empty? 

Does people pleasing make you feel more angry and upset than happy and peaceful? 

Do you try to “change” others through your people pleasing? 

Wishing you a beautiful and blissful day!

Many blessings!

Love,

Michelle

Michelle Fondin, Author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends  (available on Amazon & Audible, December 2, 2016)  & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

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Digging Deep: How I Became an Enabler

Recovery is the process of going deep inside yourself to discover all the dark places that lie within. In my own recovery, I’ve uncovered why exactly I found myself in a relationship with an alcoholic and why I was an enabler. 

The photos you see here do not represent my own home (and not my own consciousness, good Lord, no. It’s not THAT cluttered,) but my mother’s home as it stands, currently. I haven’t been there in several years. But I was thrust into a position where I saw her home, yesterday. (Yes, yesterday.) My mom broke her hip in Virginia (my place of residence) three weeks ago. And I drove her home in her car to Michigan. 

In the beginning of recovery, I had inklings as to the “why” but until I saw it for face value and saw the behavior that my mom so outwardly portrayed over these past few weeks, that I was really able to embrace the formation of my personality in early childhood. 

Sixty percent of all alcoholics grew up in alcoholic homes. And many “normies” or non-alcoholics grew up in alcoholic homes and wind up marrying an alcoholic. I fall into neither of those categories. 

However, addiction is addiction. And mental illness is mental illness and they all fall into a similar category and form similar dysfunctional relationships. 

“But if you would just throw stuff away, your life would be so much better!”

I have uttered that phrase thousands of times to my mother over the course of my life. I’ve tried arguing, pleading, laid on guilt trips and my sister and I even staged an intervention several years ago. Nothing has been able to change my mother’s hoarding. (Now delete the word "hoarding" and insert the word "drinking". Do you get the picture?)

It has been going on for as long as I can remember. Growing up, the clutter was confined to one or two rooms. The living room was always inhabitable. My mom always attributed it to something: being a single mom, not having enough time, being in the “middle” of a project, saving for an apocalypse, or “saving memories”. (Excuses and denial)

Just like growing up in an alcoholic household, I went through every experience and feeling that a child of an alcoholic goes through. 

• I was embarrassed to have people over.
• I lived through and still live through my mother’s denial.
• I had to endure her lies and deception.
• I had to hear empty promises.
• I covered up her behavior or ran away from it.
• I harbored resentment and anger because we weren’t “normal”. 
• My mom was constantly the victim and I had to bury my own feelings to save hers.  
• The enabling behavior to “help” the victim.

Awareness is the first step in recovery. It’s discovering how I got here and why I act the way I do. Then, it’s being able to take steps to change my behavior. 

Why did you become an enabler? How did you get here? Ponder these questions today and even if you don’t come up with an answer. Keep those questions open in your mind over the next few weeks. Your Higher Power will show you the way and enlighten you to some pretty cool stuff. 

Love, light and blessings,

Michelle

Michelle Fondin, Author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends  (available on Amazon & Audible, December 2, 2016)  & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

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Can You Make Your Alcoholic Loved One Stop Drinking?

Maybe you’ve tried it all before. You’ve poured out his drinks. You’ve locked up the liquor. You’ve emptied the bank accounts or his pockets. You’ve begged, pleaded, reasoned and given great arguments as to why he should stop. You’ve become the best lawyer, with the most persuasive arguments, and you don’t even have a law degree. 

But nothing has worked.

Is it possible to make your alcoholic loved one stop drinking? 

That is a question asked over and over again by countless loved ones of alcoholics over centuries. 

You might be thinking, if only he or she loved me more, the drinking would stop.

Let me take a quote by ABC news anchor, Elizabeth Vargas, in her 20/20 interview on her alcoholism. I’m paraphrasing but she said, “I would die for my children. I love my children. But I couldn’t stop drinking for them.” 

Nothing you can say or do will make your alcoholic loved one stop drinking. He has to come to the realization himself that he needs to get help and go into recovery.

But don’t lose hope. There are things you can do. The things you can do may be indirect ways of helping your alcoholic loved one, but they can and do help.

1. Stop enabling. Please read my article on enabling and how to stop. http://alcoholicloved1.blogspot.com/2016/11/10-ways-to-stop-enabling-your-alcoholic.html
2. Get help for yourself. Get counseling with a therapist who is educated in addiction. Go to an Al-Anon meeting and get a sponsor. Read as much as you can on recovery for families and friends of alcoholics.
3. Get educated.  Learn all you can about the disease of alcoholism and about recovery. Attend a few open AA meetings to hear stories of recovering alcoholics. 
4. Have hope.  Alcoholics can and do get better. Prayers, hope and positive talk and affirmations all help. 
5. Surround yourself with loving people  Make sure you’re with people who love you unconditionally and are considered “safe” people.
6. Help educate others about the disease of alcoholism and help lift common misconceptions about the disease and who they are.
7. Be loving and kind.  You most certainly cannot control another person’s actions but you can control yours. How you treat others reflects who you are. 

Wishing you light, love and blessings,

Michelle 

Michelle Fondin, Author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends  (available on Amazon & Audible, December 2, 2016)  & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

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10 Cold Hard Facts About Alcoholism

Many myths and misconceptions surround the disease of alcoholism, one of which is that it’s not a disease. Rest assured, according to the medical definition of the word disease, it is most definitely categorized as a disease and has been recorded as such in American medical books since the 1800s. Let’s demystify alcoholism by these facts. Please share this with friends and family members who are skeptical about alcoholism. 

1. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, and fatal disease

A chronic disease is defined as one which is ongoing and doesn’t go away on its own. Examples of chronic diseases are diabetes, heart disease, hypertension and cancer. Alcoholism is a chronic disease that is progressive meaning, if left untreated, it will get worse over time. Finally, alcoholism is a fatal disease. The progression of alcoholism will lead to an untimely death. 

2. Alcoholism does not discriminate between gender, religion, ethnicity, socio-economic status, level of education, or career choice. 

Anyone can become an alcoholic. Studies show that alcoholism hits harder with certain genetic predispositions and/ or certain ethnicities. Men seem to be more predisposed to alcoholism than women.  The Irish seem to be more predisposed than Asians. But all in all, no one group is completely excluded from being a victim to alcoholism. 

3. You do not need to drink every day to be an alcoholic. 

Most often, drinking alcohol daily is not seen until late stage alcoholism (Stage 3 alcoholism). Binge drinking once weekly or even once monthly can qualify you as an alcoholic. Binge drinking means drinking more than 5 drinks in a period (a day or evening, for example) for a man or more than 4 drinks for a woman. One drink is a 12 oz glass of beer, 8-9 fluid ounces of malt liquor, a 5 fluid oz glass of wine or 1.5 oz of 80-proof distilled spirits. 

4. You can have a job, have a home and pay your bills and still be an alcoholic. 

Many people think that in order to be qualified as an alcoholic they need to be homeless and eating out of trash cans. This is a common misconception. More often than not, alcoholics are high-functioning for a long time. 

5. Alcohol misuse contributes to 88,000 deaths in the United States each year. And 1 in 10 deaths in all working adults are due to alcohol misuse (abuse). 

Alcohol misuse is a contributor to over 350 diseases and disorders. 

6. Approximately 21 million adults in the United States suffer from Alcoholism or medically referred to as alcohol misuse disorder. However, only 10% are receiving treatment for alcoholism. 

Take into account that these numbers include those who are diagnosed. There are many more who will never be diagnosed by a medical professional. Do you see that your loved one is not the only one? Alcoholism is a very common disease, though it still lurks in the darkness. 

7. One-third of all alcoholics die by suicide each year.  

Other alcohol-related untimely deaths include: accidents and injuries, liver disease, cancers and heart attacks. 

8. Abstinence is the only way to arrest the disease of alcoholism. 

Alcoholics who want to get better and enter recovery must stop alcohol consumption and must not consume any other mind-altering substance. If an alcoholic goes back to drinking or using after a period of abstinence, the disease often comes back faster and stronger than before. 

9. Alcoholism does tend to run in families. 

There is hard scientific evidence of a genetic link to alcoholism. Environmental factors, such as growing up in an alcoholic home, seem to contribute to the behavioral factors in alcoholism. 

10. Early intervention and prevention work to get people on the road to recovery. 

Education and awareness start with you. You can help lift the disease of alcoholism out of the darkness by helping others understand the nature of the disease. You can help them know that it’s not shameful or a moral failing but a disease that can be treated. 

Please share and comment. 

Love,

Michelle

Michelle Fondin, Author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends  (available on Amazon & Audible, December 2, 2016)  & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

#alcoholism #whatisalcoholism #alcoholic #recovery #addiction 

10 Ways to Stop Enabling Your Alcoholic Loved One

You know alcoholism is a disease. It’s a disease that relies heavily on people giving a “helping hand” so that the alcoholic can continue to drink and feed his illness. It is not his fault. It’s the nature of the disease. Statistics show that an average of 8 people enable an alcoholic so that he continues to drink or use. 

What is enabling? 

Enabling is doing something for someone else that they can normally do for themselves under normal circumstances. For example, a normally functioning adult, under normal circumstances, can do his or her laundry. She can drive herself to her job. He can call his work if he’s sick. Do you get the picture? 

When you step in to do something for your alcoholic loved one that he should be doing for himself, you are enabling him to continue with his addiction. In order for him to get better, he must feel and experience each and every consequence of his actions. He cannot do this if you or anyone else is stepping in to remove his consequences. 

You’re a nice person and nice people do things for others right? 

That is true. However, alcoholism is a strange and baffling disease that is not only physical, emotional, and spiritual but also behavioral and social. As long as someone else is doing something for him that he should do for himself, the disease will stay. It’s weird, but that’s the way this disease works. 

If you want a chance that he will sober up and get into recovery, when you stop enabling, it’s more likely to happen. 

Here are 10 ways to stop enabling:

1. Do not lend or give him money at all, not even a dime. 
2. Do not pour out his drinks.
3. Do not buy her alcohol or drugs, never ever, never, never. 
4. Do not make excuses for her behavior. It’s her behavior, not yours. 
5. Do not call him in sick at work or lie to cover up his behavior. 
6. Do not ridicule him, make fun of him or humiliate him. 
7. Do not let him live at your place rent free. 
8. Do not pick her up, clean her up, get her undressed or move her to a bed. Let her wake up in her own vomit, on the floor, or in the car. 
9. Do not ever think or believe that this is your fault. 
10. Set healthy boundaries and keep them. 

Finally, you are not punishing your alcoholic loved one. You are not being cruel. You are helping him realize the impact of his own actions. By stepping aside you are actually helping him get better. He may be angry but, “So what?” Anger comes when he sees his world unraveling before his eyes and that’s is what needs to happen as he’s hitting bottom. He needs to hit his bottom to get better. 

Wishing you many blessings and happiness always.

Love,

Michelle

Michelle Fondin, Author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends  (available on Amazon & Audible, December 2, 2016)  & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015)