Your Alcoholic Loved One Didn’t Happen To You, He or She Happened for You

Before I met my alcoholic loved one, I had asked God to just bring me the man that He wanted in my life. I had been dating for several months and was tired of the dating scene. I just wanted someone I could connect with and love immensely and someone who could love me back the same way. 

When I met my alcoholic loved one, I had no idea he was an alcoholic. We had an instant connection. It was magical and akin to love at first sight. The first few weeks were pure bliss. We were inseparable. Everything seemed to be going along beautifully. But then, I started to notice behavior that didn’t seem normal. He would call me late at night with conversations that didn’t make sense. I would notice he would drink even during the work week. To my dismay, after several months I realized he was an alcoholic. 

At some point, I was so angry at God. After all, I had asked Him to bring the man He wanted in my life. I wasn’t being selfish or trying to assert my desires at the time. I couldn’t understand why God had brought me this lovely man but who was an actively drinking alcoholic. 

I don’t give up easily and I don’t give up faith. I knew that if God put him here, there must be a reason and I was on a mission to find out. At first I thought that mission was to help my alcoholic loved one. I really did. But after a failed family intervention and several (hundred) attempts at trying to get him to want to get help, I realized it might be something else. 

What God was trying to do was to mold and form me into the person He wanted me to be. He increased my faith in Him and increased my patience. He increased my capacity to love and to pray. He made me more cognizant of compassion and understanding. He helped me learn that I need to rely on Him first and not on any other human over Him. 

I have to constantly remind myself that God makes no mistakes. If your alcoholic loved one is in your life or was in the past, there is a reason. Look for that reason, dig deep. Your learning and growing is an integral part of this experience. 

In truth, nobody asks for an experience of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. But while your there it might be worth asking, “What got me here?” “What can I learn from this?” 

I like to look at life is a great big test composed of mini-tests or mini-quizzes. If you pass the test, you get to move on to the next level. Our experiences do not have to define us, but we can be refined by our experiences. 

Which one do you choose? How will you let your experience with your alcoholic loved one shape you? 

Wishing you many blessings!

Love,

Michelle 

Michelle Fondin is the author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends   & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

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Alcoholism Is a Baffling Disease, Especially During the Holidays

     This holiday season I will forcibly be without my alcoholic loved one for the first time in four years. Even though it is my choice, it still comes with a mixed bag of emotions. Many of you who will read my story in my book, Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family & Friends, will plainly see how much I love Johnny.* The pain comes less from not being with him physically and celebrating the holidays with him, it comes more from knowing that he is not yet sober. 

Recently, Johnny went through early recovery where he attended a detox program, was attending AA, and had a sponsor. I could tell that he wasn’t fully in recovery even though he had said he was ready. I didn’t feel recovery was yet in his heart. 

In the month of November, Johnny had made solid plans to attend a 30-day inpatient rehab program and had even paid a deposit. During that time I saw something light up in him that I had never seen before, real hope. Over the course of those few days, his eyes showed hope for the future, for change and for real transformation. I saw him excited at the prospect of having his head clear enough to read and when he came out, the chance of having a new career. It made my heart leap for joy with the thought, “This is it. This is finally the moment I have been waiting for.” 

But two things happened. From the time he reserved the rehab center to the time they had a bed available, the delay was 10 days. He even said he was under the impression that he would be able to go within a day or two. The next thing that happened, of course, was that his disease had the time to take over once again. Johnny put it under the guise of money and finances, but I know enough to know much better. About two days before he was to start rehab, he called and cancelled. 

At that time I had to make the decision as to what I was going to do regarding our relationship. Of course I was disappointed, sad, angry, frustrated and enraged all at the same time. But then I had to remember, “He has a disease. The disease just took over once again and that’s all.” It’s baffling and confusing how it can just flip a switch in an addict and make him succumb to the disease once again. 

But because of the repeated broken promises and the fact that I’m in recovery in Al-Anon and have been learning to change my behavior and patterns in behavior, I had to make the choice to stay away from him until he’s ready for rehab. I had gotten off the roller coaster and was not ready to get back on, nor will I ever get back on that ride again. For me right now that means not seeing him, no phone calls, and limited texts if any. It makes me sad for him and for our relationship but I need to remain hopeful for him and for us. 

I am certain Johnny will get the help that he needs when God guides him to do so. It’s not on my timing, it’s on God’s timing. For so many years I tried to force Johnny’s recovery into the mold I wanted for it, but it never worked. So all I can do in the midst of his baffling, conniving, and confusing disease is pray for him and send him blessings throughout the holiday season. 

Happy Holidays to all of you and especially to my readers who love an alcoholic. I'm with you in spirit. :) 

Love,

Michelle 

Michelle Fondin is the author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends   & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

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Watching Out for Crossover Addiction with Your Alcoholic Loved One

Prescription pills are just as dangerous as alcohol to your alcoholic

You are so excited, after years of waiting, your alcoholic loved one finally tells you that she’ll stop drinking alcohol for a month or two. “In fact,” she says, “it’s just an anxiety problem anyway. So I’ll start taking Xanax or smoking pot.” 

Don’t get too excited.

Switching drugs, even temporarily, is not getting sober. It’s not even close. And don’t let your alcoholic loved one convince you otherwise. The alterations that occur in her brain with alcohol will continue to occur with any other mind-altering substance. Most prescription medications that doctors commonly prescribe are among the most addictive drugs on the market. I once heard a hard core drug addict say, “I’d prefer Vicodin to heroin any day.” Vicodin, of course, is a commonly prescribed painkilling opioid and according to critics of this overprescribed pill, it’s a legal form of heroin in a pill. 

Other drugs to look out for are Adderall or Ritalin, both prescribed for ADD and ADHD. They are both highly addictive. Unbeknownst to me as a practice, one alcoholic told me that they crush up these pills and snort them for a faster effect. 

Whilst anti-anxiety medications are easily prescribed today, they are also highly addictive. Look out for Xanax and Ativan. 

Any type of prescription pain-killing medication is addictive and dangerous. In the U.S. in 2015, there were 20,101 overdose deaths due to prescription opioids. 

Smoking marijuana has gotten a lot of public attention due to it being legalized in several states. Just because it’s legal does not mean it’s harmless. The addicted brain will look for ways to satisfy the addiction no matter the drug. 

When your alcoholic loved one does take actual steps to get and stay sober, he will need to abstain from all mind altering substances. Rehab programs even suggest staying away from mouthwashes containing alcohol and cough syrups or over the counter medications with alcohol or containing the words “PM” on the box. Any mind-altering substance will trigger the addiction. 

Since alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, and fatal disease, triggering the disease, after a period of abstinence, will not bring the alcoholic back to zero. He will go directly back to the point at which he stopped drinking and at the stage of his disease that he stopped. Recovering alcoholics have reported that when they have had relapses, the addiction comes back harder, faster and stronger. 

So when your alcoholic loved one tells you that he’s going to stop and pick up that prescription of Xanax or Adderall, respond that the only action you know will get him help is going to detox where they will explain to him what he can and cannot take as a recovering alcoholic. Don’t believe his efforts to “switch” is a pathway to recovery. 

Wishing you many blessings. 

Love,

Michelle

Michelle Fondin, Author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends  (available on Amazon & Audible)  & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

Listen to my book on Audible: http://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/Help-I-Think-My-Loved-One-Is-an-Alcoholic-Audiobook/B01MRXIDF9/ref=a_pd_Religi_c8_1_sim_authhttp://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/Help-I-Think-My-Loved-One-Is-an-Alcoholic-Audiobook/B01MRXIDF9/ref=a_pd_Religi_c8_1_sim_auth

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Join My Video Discussion Forum on Having an Alcoholic Loved One

I've started a video series which will become a place for discussion for you about your life with an alcoholic loved one. Please ask questions, leave comments and subscribe to my channel. Together we will discover how to manage a relationship with an alcoholic loved one. 

Video One in the Series 

Video Two in the Series

Michelle S. Fondin is the author of  Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends  (available on Amazon & Audible, December 2, 2016)  & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

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Why People Pleasing Is Bad for Your Health

People pleasing is an affliction many of us, who love an alcoholic, suffer from. After all, we want to do right by others. We want to do good and show others we care. 

However, underneath the surface of people pleasing are a lot of negative emotions and motives, which destroy your integrity and your self-worth. 

Infants and toddlers will try to please their parents for positive reinforcement. They notice that when they do something mom and dad like, they get rewarded and when they don’t, they get punished. In an alcoholic relationship much of this behavior perpetuates, especially if there is emotional and/ or physical abuse. As a person in a relationship with an alcoholic, you learn how to transmute yourself to the mood of the moment. You learn how to be the “yes” man or the “yes” women to avoid conflict. You learn to stuff your feelings for the benefit of others or for “keeping the peace”. 

There are many drawbacks to this behavior. 

1. People pleasing keeps you in the mode of enabling. 

You will do anything and everything you can to appease the alcoholic, even if it’s to lend him money, make him a drink or give him a place to stay. His victim mindset and victimizing words will make you give in to his demands and requests. 

Healthy people understand that adults must make their own choices. Taking care of oneself, even for the alcoholic, is a normal responsibility of being an adult. 

2. People pleasing is a form of manipulation.  

It’s subtle. But along with people pleasing comes lies and deception. Most often, you need to lie to keep others “happy”. After all, you’re afraid of hurting other people’s feelings. But underneath the surface, you’re really afraid of them not liking you, in other words, rejection. Lying to make sure others like you and are happy is manipulation because you are denying them the truth. 

Healthy people know that not everyone can be happy all of the time. Disappointments and natural consequences to actions are a normal part of life. 

3. People pleasing denies you of your own feelings, wants, and desires. 

Denying what you want and need is not selfless. It’s destructive. We all have needs. We all have feelings and desires. Self-sacrifice does not make us saints. In the end, it creates resentment, anger, frustration, and unpleasant people. You may be smiling through clenched teach while people pleasing but everyone (especially the alcoholic) will be able to sense your seething anger underneath. 

Healthy people take care of themselves first. They know how to set healthy boundaries. They are not afraid to say “no”. 

4. People pleasing puts you in a victim mindset.

You know this to be true. When you’ve had enough of giving, you are depleted. Then your conversations become all about you and how you’ve done nothing but give. You may say things like, “After all I’ve done for her, look how she treats me.” Or, “All I do is give, give, give and do you think I would ever receive a “thank you”?” 

Healthy people know that true giving comes from a place of authenticity to give freely. They also know when enough is enough. 

Things to ponder…

How has people pleasing given you a sense of satisfaction?

How has people pleasing made you feel depleted and empty? 

Does people pleasing make you feel more angry and upset than happy and peaceful? 

Do you try to “change” others through your people pleasing? 

Wishing you a beautiful and blissful day!

Many blessings!

Love,

Michelle

Michelle Fondin, Author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends  (available on Amazon & Audible, December 2, 2016)  & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

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Digging Deep: How I Became an Enabler

Recovery is the process of going deep inside yourself to discover all the dark places that lie within. In my own recovery, I’ve uncovered why exactly I found myself in a relationship with an alcoholic and why I was an enabler. 

The photos you see here do not represent my own home (and not my own consciousness, good Lord, no. It’s not THAT cluttered,) but my mother’s home as it stands, currently. I haven’t been there in several years. But I was thrust into a position where I saw her home, yesterday. (Yes, yesterday.) My mom broke her hip in Virginia (my place of residence) three weeks ago. And I drove her home in her car to Michigan. 

In the beginning of recovery, I had inklings as to the “why” but until I saw it for face value and saw the behavior that my mom so outwardly portrayed over these past few weeks, that I was really able to embrace the formation of my personality in early childhood. 

Sixty percent of all alcoholics grew up in alcoholic homes. And many “normies” or non-alcoholics grew up in alcoholic homes and wind up marrying an alcoholic. I fall into neither of those categories. 

However, addiction is addiction. And mental illness is mental illness and they all fall into a similar category and form similar dysfunctional relationships. 

“But if you would just throw stuff away, your life would be so much better!”

I have uttered that phrase thousands of times to my mother over the course of my life. I’ve tried arguing, pleading, laid on guilt trips and my sister and I even staged an intervention several years ago. Nothing has been able to change my mother’s hoarding. (Now delete the word "hoarding" and insert the word "drinking". Do you get the picture?)

It has been going on for as long as I can remember. Growing up, the clutter was confined to one or two rooms. The living room was always inhabitable. My mom always attributed it to something: being a single mom, not having enough time, being in the “middle” of a project, saving for an apocalypse, or “saving memories”. (Excuses and denial)

Just like growing up in an alcoholic household, I went through every experience and feeling that a child of an alcoholic goes through. 

• I was embarrassed to have people over.
• I lived through and still live through my mother’s denial.
• I had to endure her lies and deception.
• I had to hear empty promises.
• I covered up her behavior or ran away from it.
• I harbored resentment and anger because we weren’t “normal”. 
• My mom was constantly the victim and I had to bury my own feelings to save hers.  
• The enabling behavior to “help” the victim.

Awareness is the first step in recovery. It’s discovering how I got here and why I act the way I do. Then, it’s being able to take steps to change my behavior. 

Why did you become an enabler? How did you get here? Ponder these questions today and even if you don’t come up with an answer. Keep those questions open in your mind over the next few weeks. Your Higher Power will show you the way and enlighten you to some pretty cool stuff. 

Love, light and blessings,

Michelle

Michelle Fondin, Author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends  (available on Amazon & Audible, December 2, 2016)  & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

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Can You Make Your Alcoholic Loved One Stop Drinking?

Maybe you’ve tried it all before. You’ve poured out his drinks. You’ve locked up the liquor. You’ve emptied the bank accounts or his pockets. You’ve begged, pleaded, reasoned and given great arguments as to why he should stop. You’ve become the best lawyer, with the most persuasive arguments, and you don’t even have a law degree. 

But nothing has worked.

Is it possible to make your alcoholic loved one stop drinking? 

That is a question asked over and over again by countless loved ones of alcoholics over centuries. 

You might be thinking, if only he or she loved me more, the drinking would stop.

Let me take a quote by ABC news anchor, Elizabeth Vargas, in her 20/20 interview on her alcoholism. I’m paraphrasing but she said, “I would die for my children. I love my children. But I couldn’t stop drinking for them.” 

Nothing you can say or do will make your alcoholic loved one stop drinking. He has to come to the realization himself that he needs to get help and go into recovery.

But don’t lose hope. There are things you can do. The things you can do may be indirect ways of helping your alcoholic loved one, but they can and do help.

1. Stop enabling. Please read my article on enabling and how to stop. http://alcoholicloved1.blogspot.com/2016/11/10-ways-to-stop-enabling-your-alcoholic.html
2. Get help for yourself. Get counseling with a therapist who is educated in addiction. Go to an Al-Anon meeting and get a sponsor. Read as much as you can on recovery for families and friends of alcoholics.
3. Get educated.  Learn all you can about the disease of alcoholism and about recovery. Attend a few open AA meetings to hear stories of recovering alcoholics. 
4. Have hope.  Alcoholics can and do get better. Prayers, hope and positive talk and affirmations all help. 
5. Surround yourself with loving people  Make sure you’re with people who love you unconditionally and are considered “safe” people.
6. Help educate others about the disease of alcoholism and help lift common misconceptions about the disease and who they are.
7. Be loving and kind.  You most certainly cannot control another person’s actions but you can control yours. How you treat others reflects who you are. 

Wishing you light, love and blessings,

Michelle 

Michelle Fondin, Author of Help! I Think My Loved One Is an Alcoholic: A Survival Guide for Lovers, Family and Friends  (available on Amazon & Audible, December 2, 2016)  & of The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle (New World Library, 2015) 

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